In a time and place not so long ago, I was a wreck. A piece of human work that just existed and bumbling around the world one footstep at a time. I was operating from a place of boredom such as working day in/out. Go work out, be done. Make dinner, do chores. And the anger, I was so negative and angry. This did not work.
How did I show up in my life?
GIVING UP:
I did not reach out for support or bother to fully trust people when they were encouraging me. I would give up too soon, because, I was afraid of hurting myself emotionally. Things that I gave up on were small goals, like if I didn’t reach this goal then I would just throw up my hands and say “oh well! That didn’t work, guess I’ll just make it worse now.” I’ve been wanting and working on losing weight and joined a gym where I was a member for up to 3 years. While my strength training was improving, I was not losing the weight the way I wanted. The process that I focused on for weight loss was calorie counting. I could eat anything I wanted, as long as I counted the calories and stayed in my assigned calorie deficit.
Some days I would go over the deficit and I would have the mentality of “fuck it, I went over!” and then I would proceed to either drink my calories (which I mostly did) or continue to eat. Then think to myself, well tomorrow I’ll just take out more calories since I went over today.
I did have the support of the coaches and the small sessions that we had every now and then, but I wasn’t successful at the weight loss. I didn’t trust them to know what they were talking about because I wasn’t losing where I thought I should have been. So I gave up. I gave up on the whole process.
I CAN’T BUCKET:
I put myself into an “I can’t” bucket. An ‘I can’t’ bucket is something that starts to fill up with all the excuses of why I can’t do something. I can’t succeed at work because I didn’t get a masters in engineering like person x.
I can’t be successful at owning a home because I don’t make enough money. I can’t be loving in my family because I came from a shitty background. I can’t go on vacations because I don’t deserve them. I can’t be a successful powerlifter because I’m injured. I can’t lose weight because I’m just a loser.
Geeezus…the list goes on and the bucket floweth over. You get the point, right?
I tried to do as much on my own as I can, even if people were there when I needed them. It made me realise that I was not as stable as I thought by not asking for support.
I resented people for having more than I did. Whether that was with family, relationships, wealth, house…you name it.
What do I want to do differently now?
Then I realized that one day it was time to wake the fuck up. I’m sick of being tired and bored. I remembered a seminar that I went to 4 years ago, and decided to go back to the class but I had to go as a graduate. Which meant that I could not participate as if I were attending the class for the first time. Instead, I was allowed to go back to review and freshen up on the teachings and perspective that I already gained. Going to the class reawakened a part of me that remembered what it was like to thrive…
and then…
I took part in one of the most powerful experiences of my life! It is called PSI 7. This shit is next level personal growth!
What are the things that I learned about myself?
- How to trust people in my personal relationships
- How to love myself first
- How to have support and be supporting
- How to live an extraordinary life
I learned about programs and attitudes, goals, power of change, power of dreaming, power of letting go.
I had to change my programs. My programs were habits and values which have developed over time-most-starting in childhood. They were automatic responses that were intended to help me survive over time. Some of these programs were no longer necessary, but still carry an automatic response to an action or reaction that I was facing.
What is surrounding the program is attitude. Which is the the way we feel. Days would go by where I would feel piss-poor or mopy. My attitude was displayed by my body language and I showed up that way at the very moment I woke up.
I had to stop behaving the way I felt.
I started to understand how to take charge of my life. This meant that I needed to start making decisions on how I would take care of my mental and emotional health. I had to be willing to change and control my attitude, by taking steps to choose how I would wake up and start my day. Rather than waking up bitter and wrapped up in my own head. I learned to put those feelings aside and became determined to have positive affirmations, positive actions, gratitude, and I took to studying the books I’ve been given from the seminar.
I started being authentic by showing up for people in ways such as reaching out to them more often. Talking with and listening to people more often. Taking risks to me meant changing my attitude in how I feel about myself, get and maintain my involvement with my PSI7 group. Being aware and having self realization about what I’m making excuses for. Letting go of what things are supposed to look like. How I’m going to show up and contribute. I have decided to volunteer through the County Parks and take some classes that will support my volunteer journey!
The new perspective I’m going to take is this: I will be free from anger and I will create joy from my heart. By doing this, I will have the love I’ve always wanted.
This is all there for each of us to take. Not just for me. WE all get to have the power and liberty to have freedom, choice, and dreams. Dream big, dream often and act as if it is so-so that it becomes so.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou
PSI Seminars is a corporation that promotes self awareness and personal development through large group awareness training. There are locations all over the world that are dedicated to bring out your best self through a class called Basic Seminar. After attending the Basic Seminar, graduates may continue on the path to the next level of learning called PSI 7.